20 Shades of Pudd
by dancershoes
Summary: 20 song challenge, 20 short fics written with randomly chosen songs as prompts. Various themes from angst to fluff, this is my first foray in the fandom, so I'd love to hear what you think! It's Pudd, with warning for swearing and sexual references.
1. How DId it Ever Come to This - Easyworld

"Say it Dougie, please" and that catches him off guard, it's not angry or forceful, it's vulnerable, it's desperate and it's pleading, it's so not Harry.

He shivers, when did it get cold? He looks up to the sky as raindrops begin to fall, each cold drop stings like a needle, but at least they hide the tears. He focuses on counting the stars trying to poke their way through the thick cloud smothering London; he doesn't want to do this, not here not now. He's never been good with talking, Harry of all people should know that, he wants time to think, to prepare, to defer, but Harry's not going to wait forever, he owes him an explanation.

"It's just..." Dougie started unsurely, but Harry cut him off impatiently,

"Fuck you Dougie, don't lie to me anymore" and finally Dougie looks down as he hears Harry's voice break, finally he allows himself to see what he'd done to his best friend. He was hunched, tears unashamedly flowing from his eyes, he looked vulnerable and broken; when had it become this bad?

"Don't try and say everything's alright, because it's not and we both know it, hasn't been for a long time. Take just now, you avoided my kiss, you flinched at my touch, what have I done? Just tell me! After all these years, after everything, surely I at least deserve the truth?" His voice cracks again, in time with Dougie's heart and he can't take it anymore. He reaches out to cradle Harry's face in his hands, his thumbs tenderly swiping away tears. He can't take this anymore,

"It's not that I don't love you Haz, cause fuck knows I love you so much it fucking hurts, so don't you dare tell me I don't love you, it's just I can't... I can't love you anymore"

Harry pulled away angrily from his embrace, "That's the biggest load of bullshit I've ever heard, don't give me that crap." But Dougie was insistent reaching out to Harry, his hand reaching to stroke Harry's face. He couldn't help but notice he still leaned into his touch.

"Listen, please" The tables had been turned, it was Dougie who was begging, "Do you know how many times I've lain awake wishing it was really that simple, that my life could be that simple? But let's face it, it's not, it never has been and it never fucking will be" Dougie's falling apart in front of Harry's eyes, tears are streaming down his face, his eyes puffy, his voice hoarse, "Never! Think of who we are, what we do, what's at stake. We've pretended and lied to ourselves for too long. We can't carry on like this forever... you're married for Pete's sake!"

"Why now Dougie?" Harry countered and finally Dougie can here the anger in his voice beneath all the hurt "Why here, why now? It's never bothered you before, why let it now?"

"But it has Harry, you just don't realise it, it hasn't come like a bolt from the blue, all these doubts, all this worry, this guilt, I've been hiding it and burying it and it's just been growing inside me for so long now, you must have the same, and if not why not!?"

"Because Dougie, no matter how wrong it should be, it just feels so right, so perfect. You can't say you don't feel it too, no-one gets me like you, no-one makes me feel like you do, we fit so perfectly, me and you. You're like a fucking drug Dougs, hell yeah, I've felt the guilt, sometimes I know it's not right, hell I've tried to quit you more times than I'd care to count, but every time you suck me right back in again without even trying"

Dougie looks away again, unable to look at the hurt in Harry's eyes, his words taking him by surprise; he gazes out across the garden, trying to take it all in.

"So don't tell me what we can and can't do, 'cause you have a choice Dougie, it's all your fucking choice. 'Cause God knows I've made mine, I just didn't know you hadn't done the same. You have no idea what sacrifices I've made so we could have what we have, so think about it Dougie, think about what you really want; because it's all or fucking nothing mate. You can't change your mind with the wind, once you've wreaked your path of destruction, you can't go back and fix it"

And with that Harry furiously wiped at his eyes, before getting up, he considered going back into the party, but he decided against it, no one should see him in this state. Instead he took one last look at Dougie and gave him the ultimatum, "Now or never Dougie, make your choice" before slipping out via the side gate.

Alone again, Dougie took a cigarette from the packet Harry had left behind and as he heard his car start up and drive off in to the night, he sighed and lit up. How the fuck did it ever come to this?


	2. I Love Your Smile - Charlie Winston

_Darling I hate to see you,_

_So angry at the world,_

_If people want a piece of you,_

_Then they're missing something for themselves_

Another night, another bar, you're on a path of self-destruction and dragging the world down with you. You're on your 5th tequila and your 4th partner, this time it's a man. That's always the hardest to watch, I was your first, you said I'd be your only.

I don't know why I always insist on coming with you, it only makes you angrier, and you're taking it out on yourself. But somehow I don't trust anyone to look after you, this way I know you're safe. Tom and Danny don't know you like I do, no one does, and no one ever will. Me and you, we've always been special, so intense that we're explosive, whether its love or hate, we don't exactly do things by half. That's why to the others they think you're doing this because you can, this is your blowout, your way of letting off steam, you're young, free, rich and famous. That automatically seems to give you access to a whole other world of sex, alcohol and liberty. No strings attached, no questions asked.

I see things differently though. Maybe I'm looking too hard, but I see the way your eyes are constantly darting around, never focusing on one person too long, not even the latest person to tickle your fancy, the next in a long line of nameless, faceless fancies. Some might think it's you scouting out the talent, figuring out who to work on next, after all, you have a whole club full of girls (and guys), queuing to let you into their knickers, why not see how many you can get in a night. Not me though, no, I see it as a sign that you're not happy, like prince Charming searching for Cinderella, no-one quite fits the slipper. You're not focused on what you're doing and that's because you don't want to be doing it. You've never been good at handling your emotions, anger and rejection, fear and loathing are all simmering just under your skin and you have no idea how to let them out.

Every time you get a new piece of candy, you push it that little bit further, go that little bit wilder, at first it was just a kiss, but those kisses soon turned to quick handies in the toilet and before you knew it you were there having sex in the sleazy stalls. But soon that wasn't enough you wanted more, you became more daring, as if you wanted to get caught, more depraved, almost as if you wanted to be refused. The others saw it as you letting your wild side out, but I know you, I know you better than you know yourself. You don't want any of this, none of this is satisfying you, and there's one glaringly obviously reason why, you want to be refused, you want to get caught, reprimanded, you need attention, you want to be tamed, it's a cry for help, a cry that gets ignored. You're surrounded by people, but you've never felt more alone.

You're offering yourself on a silver platter and the world is taking advantage of that. Each one of these girls and boys are taking a piece of you back with them, and soon there'll be nothing left of you. You're hollowing out, your eyes are growing dull and your lips are forgetting how to smile. The last time I heard you laugh, it sounded more like a wheeze, you're losing yourself. These people are taking away who you are, but they don't know who you are. They think you're your money, your fame and your talent and slowly that's who you're becoming, but you're so much more than that. They're missing out on the essence that makes you, well, you. If they saw even a glimmer of your true personality, then they'd never be satisfied with what you give them, because God knows I could never have enough of you.

In the hour or so between the innocuous flirting and the fumble in the toilets, they don't see how funny and whacky you are, how kind and caring, how intense and interesting you are. They don't see your bed-hair and confused face when you get woken up in the morning. They don't see your beaming smile, after you've worked so hard on getting that bass line just perfect and the guys clap and woop after you pull it off on stage, even though you were so nervous before hand you were almost sick in my car on the way to the gig. They've never felt what it's like to spend hours lying next to you, touching or apart, asleep or awake, just soaking in your presence.

I do, I know all those things too well and I also know just how much I've fucked everything up.

_Maybe it's selfish of me,_

_To look at you and say, _

_Come back to me girl_

_I love, and I'll stay._

I know I have no right to you anymore, I know I threw all my leverage out the window when I turned you away, but do you know how many times I've replayed that night in my head, and how often I wished I'd done it differently. Yet despite everything, I know there's a part of you that still belongs to me, we had it all, we were perfect, we had a bond, we still have a bond. I can feel it, in the way you still look at me, the way our eyes meet before it all starts to fall apart, the way I still hear you calling my name in your sleep. You're hungry and desperate, I'm the only one who can feed you, scared and afraid, I can calm your fears.

Come back to me, I'm waiting here with open arms, they never closed. Things will be different this time, I promise.

_Lyrics in italics from I Love Your Smile by Charlie Winston_


	3. What Have You Done Today - M People

**A/n: **Thank you to the guest who reviewed the last chapter! Such a compliment! I'm glad you liked it and I hope you'll enjoy the next chapter, something a little fluffier

**What Have you Done today (to make you feel proud)**

"Just fuck off Harry I'm not in the mood" Dougie groaned as he pushed Harry off him, reclaiming the sofa for himself. Harry fell to the floor with a loud thud, but was undeterred none the less, he was determined to get a smile back on Dougie's face.

"Come on grumpy guts" Harry teased, propping himself up on one elbow, head popping up over the sofa, poking Dougie's side lightly, "you look like someone's stolen your lollipop". Dougie rolled his eyes and pushed Harry's arms away, would he just stop treating him like a sulky toddler and leave him alone, he feels like shit, he wants to feel like shit, and what's more he wants to wallow in feeling shit. Alone. He rolls over, turning his back on Harry, hoping he'd get the message.

Harry of course, takes that as an invitation to up the ante, kneeling up and reaching out to tickle Dougie, "come on Pugsley, I know there's a smile in there somewhere" He coos, but that's just the cherry on top.

"I told you to quit it" He snarled and before he knew what he was doing, He flung himself around to face Harry and punched him. Hard. Square in the jaw.

The world stopped, there was a stunned silence, both of the caught by surprise. Dougie looked down in shock at the drummer, who'd fallen back from the force, blood beginning to trickle down from his lip. Shit, he never meant for that to happen, he reached out to help him up, but Harry just glared back at him silently and before Dougie had the chance to say sorry, Harry had got up and left.

Tom was less gentle when it came to getting Dougie out of his sulk, he marched into the room, took hold of Dougie's arm and yanked him up, and marched him out, ignoring any protests from the young bassist.

Once they were in the corridor, Tom let him go, trapping him against the wall, not wanting to let him go before he got answers.

"Right are you going to tell me what the hell's going on?"

Dougie just shrugged, scuffing his feet and looking down, avoiding Tom's glare. "Nothing" he mumbled.

"Right, so you're trying to tell me you haven't been sulking like a moody teenager for the last few hours, and Harry's face isn't currently swelling to the size of his ego, whilst he sitting in his room looking like someone just used his puppy as a football..." God Tom really sounds like his mother when he goes off on one of his rants.

Dougie shrugged again, "I dunno"

"Dougie, for sanity's sake, just tell me what happened, I feel like I'm dealing with 5 year olds here"

Finally Dougie looked at Tom and began to feel guilty, he sure looked angry as hell, he opened his mouth to reply, but Tom cut him off.

"Do you know what? I don't even wanna know, go find Harry and sort things out, I'm going to make dinner, if you can't sort yourselves out by then, I'll bang your heads together until you have no choice but to make up!"

And with that, Tom left him, heading through to the kitchen. Dougie sighed, he didn't have a choice, Tom might seem all calm and motherly, but piss him off, and he sure as hell would have no problem carrying out any threats.

Standing outside Harry's door, Dougie knocked tentatively, which felt weird to say the least, he was so used to walking in on Harry whether he was reading, writing, changing or wanking, when it came to Harry he'd quite literally seen it all, but somehow, he didn't feel he had the right to go in there right now.

When he heard a grunt, he entered, slowly pushing the door open to find Harry lying on his bed, with a tennis ball in his hand, bouncing it against the ceiling above his head.

"Erm hi," Dougie started, "I just..." But he stopped as Harry turned to face him, momentarily taken aback by the large bruise spreading its way across the right side of Harry's face, his fat, swollen lip and the now dry blood caking the side of his face.

Dougie sat down on the bed, next to Harry's shoulder, and gently reached out to trace his finger feather-light across Harry's cheek. "Shit! I never meant to..." Harry looked away, not able to meet Dougie's eye "I don't even know my own strength!" Dougie tried to joke, but all he got was a tight, forced smile in reply.

"Well now you do" Harry said, sarcastically, coldly, recommencing the methodical throwing and catching of the small ball, ignoring Dougie completely. This was going to be harder than Dougie had thought. Normally when he and Harry fought, all it took was a smile and a joke and everything was right again with the world. Though normally when they fought, he didn't end up punching Harry in the face...

"Look Haz. I'm really sorry, I really am, I don't know what came over me, I didn't even know I was doing it, you just didn't get the message, I wanted to be left alone"

"And I just hated seeing you wallow in self pity"

Dougie snorted, he had a point, Harry had only been trying to cheer him up, "Sorry for having a bad day, sorry for being a git and sorry for punching you in the face. Happy now?" Dougie smirked, poking Harry gently just below the armpit, he could help but notice Harry's features begin to soften as he finally turned to face Dougie.

"What got you in such a bait?"

Now it was Dougie's turn to avoid eye contact "Nothing" He mumbled. a

"So you used me as your human punch-bag and now you won't even give me an explanation?" Harry raised an eyebrow reproachfully at his younger band mate. Dougie couldn't tell if he was angry or not, but he realised he wasn't going to get out of this, so he might as well settle for the long haul. He swung his legs up onto the bed and shifted so that he was lying next to Harry, nudging him over, positioning himself just that little bit too close, so that from their shoulders to their toes, their bodies were touching, giving a reassuring warmth to Dougie, making him feel slightly more comfortable with spilling his guts to his best friend.

"It's just..." Dougie paused, fiddling with the hem of his T-shirt, unsure of quite how to put it all into words "Do you ever get those days where you just feel like shit. And I don't mean like ill or hanging or whatever, but those kinda days where you just feel useless and hopeless and worthless and everything else less?" Harry opened his mouth to interrupt, but Dougie was on a roll. "Like I know what you're going to say, you're going to tell me I'm amazing and have my own talents and whatever, but you know, sitting there today, I just felt the weak chain. I mean look at you guys. There's Tom, the brains, let's face it he's fucking genius, none of us would be here today without him, we wouldn't have any of this. Then there's Danny, yes he may not be a conventional genius, but he's so charming and funny and God his voice which all makes up for his lack of brain cells. He can make you feel like you're dying or flying, just by the sound of his voice. Then... then there's you... I mean you're the hot one, the popular one, the sporty one, the intelligent one, the one that knows exactly what everyone's thinking and always knows what to do and what to say." Again Harry tried to interrupt, but Dougie continued, blushing slightly. "And then that just leaves me, the other one. I mean I look at you guys, and I'm proud to know you, I want to tell everyone how amazing you are and how lucky I am to have met you, but realistically who's going to say that about me? What is there to be proud of? What is there to tell anyone about, I'm the one who plays the instrument you can't hear, sings the backing vocals that are never quite in tune and who fucks up most things they try to do? I'm the kid who never made it through school, whose father left him and the one who, though constantly failing, is always trying to please everyone else so much he forgets what he wants himself..."

Harry couldn't take it anymore, Dougie was working himself into a frenzy, tears beginning to slide down his face. He shifted so that he was lying on his side, facing Dougie and he took the younger boy's face in his hand, forcing him to look at him, right in the eyes.

"Don't say that, don't think that, it's not true, any of it!" Harry could see Dougie wanting to protest, "No, let me finish, yeah OK me and the boys we have our talents, but so do you. Don't you ever think, you're your own worst critic, you sing a million times better than me, you've written your own songs, and you fucking smash that bass line every time even without trying, and before you say anything about people not noticing, I notice. Every time. We're the rhythm section, I'd sound awful without you, my partner in crime," Dougie couldn't help but chuckle, ever so slightly beginning to relax.

"And as for being proud of you, forget your father, he has no idea what he's missing out on, but as for me, I'm so fucking proud of you every day. Yeah ok so sometimes you mess things up, or break things or punch people by accident," Harry smirked at the last one, "But we all know you don't mean to, the fact that you're trying in itself is a feat, and what's more the way you dust yourself and try again, makes me so proud, not matter what life throws at you, no matter how many time you get knocked down, you carry on with your head held high and if that's not something to be proud of, then I don't know what is"

Dougie smiled weakly, through the tears, a warm feeling spreading out through him. Pride? Happiness? Safety? He couldn't say, but whatever it was it filled that gap that had been missing all day. Harry always knew what to do, what to say, yes sometimes Dougie wished he was more like him, more athletic, more articulate, more Harry, but he wasn't Harry, he was Dougie, and no matter what, he'd have Harry there to pick him up and set him on his way again and surely that was the next best thing. A bond like theirs is such a rare and unique thing, but Dougie had found Harry, and surely that was something to be proud of.


End file.
